Grace

Dear Gurudeva,

Please accept my most humble obeisances to your divine lotus feet! All glories to Srila Prabhupada! All glories to you!

As a three-year-old toddler in my spiritual life, I know nothing. I just look around the world with fresh and alert eyes, trying to find something enjoyable, secure and everlasting. I try this and that which looks attractive in the beginning, but soon loses its luster. I give up them one by one, till I see you, effulgently charming in front of me. You smile at me with all your affection and wisdom that attracts me to approach you.

With eyes lit up, heart beating and smile unfolding, I run towards you. I try to run into your arms and beg for a big hug, before this verse jumps into my mind — I stop short.

“Just try to learn the truth by approaching a spiritual master. Inquire from him submissively and render service unto him. The self-realized souls can impart knowledge unto you because they have seen the truth.” [Bhagavad-gita 4.34]

As a simple-minded child, I take this as a guideline to my relation to you. “Inquire from him submissively.” This entails trust and humility. I don’t know how much I trust you. Yet when I heard a senior devotee talking about the “mutual transparence” between her and her spiritual master, I was ignited. How long have I been looking for someone in front of whom I can be totally transparent?

As the aphorism you sent me the other day says, “A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you’ve been, accepts who you’ve become, and still gently invites you to grow.” I’m longing for exactly the same friend! In front of him, I don’t need to hide anything. Even if I have done something terribly sinful, he would still accept me as my past. And I can be thoroughly honest in front of him, not pretending to be someone better. On his side, he sees through me, leaving me no chance to hide anything.

I regard you as such a friend with all my trust. Like a mirror, you reflect me as I am. From your mirror, I see the years, or life-times of dusts piling up upon me and making me so ugly. From your mirror, I see how conceited, self-centered, and pretentious I am! In so many cases, I’m simply trying to satisfy my own desires, though I may claim or look otherwise. This subtle mentality is afflicting me. I can do nothing about it but to bow down to your lotus feet and beg you for mercy.

Ten years ago, when one of my teachers, who is a Tibetan Buddhist, told me I should bow down to a master, I took it lightly and couldn’t agree to it. I was so puffed up those days, thinking foolishly that all I need to trust is none other than myself. The years that followed turned out to be like wandering on the clouds, not knowing where to go. Now I become increasingly aware that unless I surrender to you, I’m doomed. I would be eaten up by my self-egoism. So, I beg you to rip it up, even though the exposure may be extremely painful. I have been staying in the comfort zone for too long. Something piercing is required for me to be totally awakened.

As the verse goes, “render service unto him.” That is the only way out for me. Only by doing services as instructed by you, can I remain on the right track, not to be deviated by my strong egoism. So, I really appreciate your sending me services from time to time. By doing these services, my mind becomes more focused and my connection with you stronger. Most of the time, I could feel your presence. And once in a while I would suddenly feel you are passing your mercy unto me and I would be overjoyed with tears.

Since young, I was not attached to money, to family, or to many things people value. But deep down, I know my heart needs to attach to something to feel secure. So, all these years, I had been wandering here and there, looking for that anchor. Now my heart has found its anchor — which is you. I never feel so safe to attach my heart to you. The other day, Bhaktin Maomao shared one realization with us. She said she read one verse from the Srimad-Bhagavatam saying that your family is singing beautiful songs only to put you to the grave, like a hunter singing enchanting songs to attract his prey. This is bloody true! It reinforced my determination to serve my family with an affectionate yet detached mentality.

That’s also why I welcome every service you ask me to do, as well as other services coming along. Devotional services, even done with offences, can be highly cleansing. The past three years has seen my piled-up dusts kicked up and flying all over. I welcome them and silently and patiently expecting them to be cleaned by and by. Dear Gurudeva, please always be my mirror, to reflect how the dusts are being cleansed.

I’m expecting by being a tiny instrument of your unalloyed services to your Gurudeva, my egoism can be naturally rid of and my heart can focus on your lotus face and over time, on Sri Sri Radha-Krsna’s lotus feet.

On this auspicious day of your appearance, I sincerely bow down to your lotus face and express my heart-felt gratitude to the causeless mercy you have given me!

Hare Krsna!

Your humble and aspiring servant,
Bhaktin Grace