Lee Yingyun
Dear Guru Maharaja!
Beloved Guru, when I first met you I was a proud, anxious, agitated soul, I regretted the past and worried about the future, I worried every day about my situation, and it seemed that all the doors and windows of the world were closed to me. My world was a mess, especially my marriage! I was like a man struggling to tread through a swamp, and the next step was deeper than this one! It is you who gave me unwarranted kindness, even though I was proud and unreasonable and complained about life. You sowed the fire of enlightened knowledge in my ignorant heart, even though I was lazy and stubborn like a headless fly. You gave me the holy name, even though I was restless and fidgety.
Before I met you, I was a lonely soul, wandering around in this material world, with no place to put my inner fears. I lived in the expectations of others, in their eyes, on their tongues, as humble as a mustard, trying to please others, and at the same time I was arrogant, attached to my “talent”, feeling that I was unworthy and aggrieved. Before I met you, I was a poor wretch who was afraid of losing my expectations and clinging to all material possessions, I was afraid of losing my marriage, my husband and my wealth, I was afraid to face the unknown future. Before I met you, I was a person who could not live in the present, always imagining that tomorrow is better than today, always praying for good luck to come. Before I met you, I was extremely dependent on my husband and my father, because I was powerless and incapable, and I had to obey them, serve them and please them in order to get a place.
After I met you, my life changed completely. I had the opportunity to pursue what is truly valuable, to let go of my undeserved attachments, and I finally had the chance to know myself. At the same time, I have had many devotees who have been there for me, who have helped me in my most difficult times, and who have given me a helping hand. My life was awakened because of your kindness. I had lived my life in vain, wasting my time in daily chores, chasing after money and planning for the future in order to become a good daughter, a good wife, a good person in the eyes of others, to have material wealth, prestige and respect. I was bound to my family, to money, to my desires. I am a prisoner in this material world, seeking but not wanting, resenting. Without your kindness and patience, I would have spent my life in mediocrity and nothing but frustration. I am still stupid, but at least I have a little taste, a little pleasure, and I am learning to let go of things that do not belong to me and to pursue the gems that really matter.
Gurudeva, without your kindness I would not have been able to walk away from my failed marriage, my resentment towards my ex-husband, the shadow of being cheated on again, and the sadness of being abandoned again and again by the “lover” I had such high hopes for. Without your kindness I would not have been able to face my scarred life, and I would not have had the courage to face a world full of crises. Without your mercy I would not have been able to open my heart to the mercy of the Lord and the devotee, so foolish was I to be gullible on the one hand and wary on the other, seeing manna as poison and poison as manna.
I pray for more opportunities to serve you and the Lord, so that I may be a humble servant, a tiny atom, sheltered under your lotus feet for a lifetime!
Bhaktin Lee Yingyun