Hrsta devi dasi

nama om visnu-padaya krsna-presthaya bhu-tale
srimate romapada-svamin iti namine

nama om visnu-padaya krsna-presthaya bhu-tale
srimate bhaktivedanta-svamin iti namine

Hare Krsna Guru Maharaja!

Guru Maharaja, I recently turned eighteen and to be honest, the past year was the most turbulent year for me. I slipped many times and tried standing back up. I was going through turbulence emotionally as I exposed myself to the world, I experienced firsthand why it is so easy to be fascinated by Maya. Turning eighteen meant that I was going to be an adult and I felt some amount of anxiety and fascination in that transition from childhood to adulthood. I knew that I would have to live in the material world, less protected than I was throughout my childhood, and at the same time, maintain my consciousness of Krsna.

This past year, while in the process of navigating my identity in the material world, I came across a lot of allurements, and they were disguised in the garb of so-called material places of shelter and aspirations. I was genuinely confused and did whatever my partial Krsna conscious and partial sense gratificatory mind directed me to do. It felt nice for a few months, but then my consciousness drifted again towards the longing for 100% Krsna consciousness. I did not want to see any material emotion or title or person as a place of shelter. I wanted to only see my relationship with Krsna as my place of shelter. It was as if my mind and heart were playing tug of war: my mind wanting stuff and my heart wanting a relationship with Krsna.

Throughout this emotional struggle, there was one overused sentence in my vocabulary, that was, “Guru Maharaja, please help me!” This was a sentence I would say within my heart many times a day whenever I felt lost. In this sentence, I found strength and answers. I was fortunate enough to spend lots of time in person with your holiness this past year and every minute spent was stabilizing my emotional turmoil gradually. After a good ten months of emotional turmoil and trying to understand what I identify with, somewhere around the end of July 2022, after many months of consecutive in-person association with you, I started feeling less sheltered by titles, people, emotions etc. and more by my relationship with Krsna. This was a feeling of relief and all the emotional turmoil seemed like the talk of yesterday. Through continuous aural reception of your lectures, I opened my eyes once again to the fact that a strong and steady relationship with the holy name and Srimad-Bhagavatam would give me the place of shelter that I was always looking for.

I realized yet again that I needed a hand to take mine and place it in the hands of Krsna and I also knew that hand would be yours. Every day, I prayed and called out in my heart to you for guidance because you are the only person, the remembrance of whom, would make my stubborn mind bow in love and respect. Simply put Guru Maharaja, if not for you, I would not be standing here today. Anytime I needed anything, you were only a prayer away, a memory away, or an instruction away.

Anytime I felt that my connection with Krsna was breaking, and I was getting carried away by the seemingly innocent captivations of the material world, I would play one of your recorded lectures and listen for a few minutes: Immediately I would feel protected. Thank you for that protection, Guru and Krsna. Thank you for keeping alive my relationship with Krsna. I am ever indebted to you.

Please keep me in your prayers!

Your servant,
Hrsta devi dasi